Deborah​ K. Tash​​/White Wolf Woman

In Her Image Studio

I awoke in the middle of the night last night in an anxiety attack that lasted for an hour.  It started because I was thinking of including the detail of The Golden Mean Project painting (the original was destroyed) that I have used to create prints in the past, here on my website and making future prints available on my Fine Art America site, as well.  It continued with feelings of grief about all of the art that was stolen from me in 2014 when I was using Public Storage to store my work.  I had three storage units at the time and two of them were vandalized, one twice.  The thieves literally kicked in the rolling metal doors and took many of my best works.  So, I am writing this as a way to be with the grief and anxiety which I have tried to ignore in the past. 

I painted the Golden Mean Project piece on a table as a commission several years ago.   The person who commissioned it, after a couple of years, spitefully decided to have the painting destroyed by having someone else paint over it.  Because of unrelated disagreements, I was not consulted or even told that it was being done.  I found out accidentally and was heartbroken by the incident. 

For all of you who read this who are also artists, you need to know that this was an illegal act.  If this happens to you there are laws against people vandalizing, deliberately damaging, destroying or altering your work even after purchase or paid commission.  I could have taken legal action against the persons involved but after researching the legal ramifications and considering the emotional costs it would entail, I decided that I was not willing to expend the energy and or get involved in the bad blood to pursue it.   Let Kharma take its toll.

In other news, I entered submissions in two anthologies and one datebook; both visual art and poetry.  One of the anthologies for Write Now! Essential Truths: The Bay Area In Color accepted my poem, Bruja Halfbreed, and my mixed media watercolor painting, In The Shadow Of Childhood, in that publication.  I will be taking part in a reading of the poem at the San Francisco Public Library in June of this year!

I am also signing up for another round of Rafael Martinez's Art Transmission Course.  I originally took the course in 2017 with the intention of learning to convey sensuality and sexual energy in my painting.  The piece that I completed for the course was a stretch and I am not sure that it actually accomplished what I set out to do but I am still pleased with it as a start.  Titled, Awaken To The Goddess Series/She Is Here, it was a new level of working with painting and collage together.

In my own personal journey I have been discovering more about my identity as an artist and a Mestiza.   I started doing research for a new painting titled, In The Shadow Of Childhood.  The piece will feature a blonde girl child holding a candle wearing a pink dress and white ruffled apron and dark brown orthopedic shoes with a leg brace attached to the right one.   I have been exploring how to deal with my continuing disability as a result of childhood polio in a series called the Leg Project, but it has been on hold with all of the SIP issues and not being in studio.  This piece will address more of my interactions with shadow aspects.  In the background to the right will be a Yaqui Indian inspired mask, possibly a Deer Dancer mask and on the left in the background will be a shrieking shadow of a black jaguar, not a black panther of Africa. 

I started looking for images of both black panthers roaring, and feeling guided, decided to look for images of Yaqui masks as well.  I didn't expect to find any as I was ignorant of Yaqui ritual culture.  Imagine my surprise when I found hundreds of images including Deer Dancer mask images during my internet search!  Because I was raised to be assimilated with an inculcation of internalized racism (which I have only recently begun to fully uncover and deal with) I had no idea of the richness of this part of my heritage.  My mother carried her internalized racism out front; telling me as a child that she was taught to "purify" the race by marrying someone of European descent.  My father (with his English, Irish, Scots ancestry) and I were the only people in our families with blonde hair and blue eyes.  She warned me not to tell people I was Mexican.  And, she was openly racist about Native Americans either from the US or Mexico. 

My internet research uncovered some startling information.  The proud Yaqui heritage of that indigenous native people who populated the land named Sonora and parts of Durango in Mexico has opened new questions for me about my identity.  The legacy of mask making sheds light on my work as a mask maker.  And are these people possibly my ancestors?  My grandparents both looked like images of the Yaqui I was finding in my online search.  My maternal grandparents were from Mexico; my abuela from Sonora and my abuelo from Durango.